The Weight of the Uniform
When duty demands everything—what remains of the self?
Quick Update Before I Head Out…
Hey everyone—welcome back! Before I take a two-week break for some much-needed daddy-daughter time, I wanted to share a few updates and format changes I’m making to the newsletter.
First, thanks to everyone who’s shared feedback recently—I’ve been experimenting with a few things behind the scenes, and I think this is the right direction going forward:
Cinema Tunes is being shelved for now. It may return later down the line, but I want to stay focused where it counts.
Film Programs will now go out weekly on Sundays instead of bi-weekly. Each one will feature a micro-program of just three films—not the 12-film marathons I started with. These bite-sized programs are carefully designed to explore and maximize the depth of my own physical film library, so I can keep sharpening my skills while honoring the collection I’ve built, and encourage you to join me week-to-week
Only one full review—usually my favorite of the three—will show up in your inbox. The rest (along with streaming info, extra reflections, and more behind-the-scenes content) will be posted exclusively to Substack Notes. So make sure to download the app if you want the full experience.
This new rhythm frees up a lot of mental and creative energy—letting me enjoy films more deeply, and giving me space to think, write, and build with intention. I work best with a few constraints and creative boundaries, and this new format fits perfectly.
So with that said—let’s kick things off.
Here’s the first micro-program:
The Weight of the Uniform.
The Weight of the Uniform
Okay, so this concentrated trio studies the emotional toll of duty and the collapse of identity beneath the armor of honor.
The Four Feathers frames the journey with its overt reckoning: a man shamed for abandoning war must prove his worth outside the system that condemned him.
In Beau Travail, war exists as choreography—rituals of obedience masking inner disintegration.
Finally, Lawrence of Arabia explodes into grandiosity, where personal ambition, colonial theater, and shifting allegiances all clash in the desert heat.
Each film deconstructs masculinity in isolation, revealing men pulled between myth and reality—where the uniform either erases or magnifies who they truly are. The desert, in its silence, becomes the ultimate interrogator.
“True courage is not the ability to face death. True courage is the ability to face life.” - Dir. Shekhar Kupur, The Four Feathers
A Closer Look - Themes, Styles, & Where to Watch
The Four Feathers (2002)
Moral conflict, British colonialism, friendship under duress.
Sweeping visuals, traditional narratives.
Available to rent or buy on VOD.
Beau Travail (1999)
Repression, jealousy, rigid masculinity.
Highly visual, abstract, poetic structure.
Available to stream on Criterion Channel, & MAX.
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
Ambition, identity, and empire.
Epic scare, iconic cinematography, internal descent mirrored in desert.
Available to stream on Prime Video, & TCM.
Follow along!
Grab your pen and journal, or your favorite note taking app, and answer the Post-Watch Prompts to further explore the themes, stories, and messages in these films. And if you feel comfortable, drop me a line in the comments section below, or, over on Substack Notes so we can open up the discussion to our growing community.
THE FUTURE STANDS STILL
Fate does not come into
but emerges from us.
People,
absorbed and transformed
have not yet realized…
the future stands still,
but we move in infinite spaces.👉Discover more found poems like this one, and more, here.👈
And In Case You Missed It…
Katz’s Deli…
A New York City staple and institution.
I can’t believe it’s only been a year since I started working here. It feels like it’s been at least 2 or 3, for sure.
Right before my 35th birthday (‘24), I lost my job. Over the next two months, I applied to over 450 listings—some I was way overqualified for, others just a shot in the dark. And still… crickets. Rejections. Ghosts.
On April 1st—no joke—I hit one of the lowest points I’ve ever faced. One of those, point-of-no-return moments. But, with one last cigarette. One more shot of vodka. I told myself,
“just check one more time.”
*Opens Craigslist.*
*Spends thirty minutes scrolling.*
Finally, an overnight greeter/guard spot at Katz’s popped up. What did I have to lose?
That was my 481st application.
A week later, I was hired.
Since then?
I’ve kept the lights on and the roof over my head
Spent more time with my daughter than the last two years combined (Summer ‘22-‘24)
Built my own self-taught film school—1,400+ movies deep and counting
Self-published a poetry collection (the first of 76!)
Started getting healthier, paying off debt (should be debt free by Dec ‘26), got married… and apart from smoking, stayed pretty much sober
I’ve spent most of my life trying to be something for everyone else. This past year? I’ve been making the time and effort to figure out who I actually am.
Katz’s might be chaotic and stressful for most (you’ve seen the line and videos 😂) but somehow, it’s exactly what I needed. After 1 year, I truly feel blessed and forever grateful.
I’m curious to see what the next 12 months bring.
